She Never Knew Read online

  “The Church has decided to expand our outreach program.” Pastor Cullen explained. “Each ministry will have a role in contacting members of our community and invite them to attend our services. Our outreach director felt that those who do not attend church may be more receptive to attending if they were approached by their respective peers.”

  “I thought your existing approach was working rather well, was it not?” Kat queried, studying a bar chart that displayed the number of new members on a quarterly basis over the past five years.

  Pastor Cullen nodded, his glasses sliding to the bridge of his nose. “It is, but we believe we can better represent each ministry with someone who is actively involved in it rather than one person generalizing all of them.” He balanced a stack of blue folders to the side.

  “That makes sense.” Kat agreed, noting the amount of paperwork that lay ahead for Pastor Cullen. A new member would receive a folder containing information about the church as well as the various ministries it offers. Judging by the stacks of folders on the table, Kat guessed the number of individuals contacted would be approximately several hundred.

  “So, young lady,” he began, opening a new package of labels. “What brings you by today, other than to help me sort through this mess?”

  Kat smiled as she glanced at her pastor. He had a knack for keeping the atmosphere light and she was grateful to him for that. “Where do I start?”

  “You can start by handing me that stapler over there.” He motioned to the bookcase that sat adjacent to the table. Kat dug out the stapler from behind a cluster of post-it notes and handed it to him.

  “Daniel Stevens is Tyler’s father,” she murmured.

  Pastor Cullen stopped what he was doing and folded his hands together. Glancing at Kat, he said, “When I came in this morning, I found Daniel asleep in the sound booth. I had a tough time waking him up.” He removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes before continuing.

  “He told me what happened. He told me about—about what he did several years ago. He also said that when he saw Darryl Baker hurting you, something inside of him changed forever. Ah, how did he say it?” Pastor Cullen raised his head and closed his eyes, trying to remember Daniel’s exact words.

  “He said that a surge of terror flew through his veins like nothing he had ever felt before.”

  Kat didn’t know what to make of that statement. If Daniel thought he felt the terror she felt with him that night six years ago, he had another think coming. He had no clue as to the horror he had put her through. She thought she was going to die the night of the rape.

  She told the pastor her thoughts. “I don’t see how he can compare what he felt in five minutes to what I felt for months.”

  “Perhaps you’re right, Kat.” Pastor Cullen frowned, deep in thought. “While I do not condone his actions, I did see a great deal of remorse. I can honestly say that what Daniel told me was the most haunting confession I have ever heard.”

  Kat told Pastor Cullen about The Lamp of the Body and how its message impacted her. She didn’t know if God was trying to send her a message or comfort her or both.

  “You’re not the first person to mention the painting. I have yet to witness what you saw but I don’t doubt that it was real to you.”

  “I wonder if the light was a sign somehow, a sign from God that I need to do some serious soul-searching.”

  “Kat, before we go any further, I must ask if you are all right.” Pastor Cullen looked at her kindly. To him, Kat appeared to be very much in control.

  “Physically, I—I’m fine. Emotionally, I’m all over the place. Oddly though, what I don’t feel is afraid. Am I making any sense?”

  “Yes. I suspect your feelings are due to the fact that you finally have some answers. That must give you some comfort.”

  “It does.” Kat recounted her version of when Daniel confessed to her. She described him as a damaged individual who underwent a difficult childhood and carried those feelings of inadequacy into adulthood. She expressed how the light in the portrait shone brighter just after she heard Daniel’s confession.

  “Pastor, I don’t know how to explain this, but I feel a sense of peace. What happened last night was awful, but I feel strangely calm about all of this.” She shifted in her chair as she her hands played with a paperclip.

  “I think the message behind Luke’s words is of more significance than the timing in which you saw the light, Kat.” Pastor Cullen wrapped his hands around a presentation packet and inserted it into a yellow folder. “As Luke stated, ‘the eye is the lamp of your body’ which essentially means it is the window to your heart. If the window is clouded, the light will be weakened. It is how we “see” others through that window that affects our inner self as a person.”

  Pastor Cullen went on. “In other words, we must look at the facts as they are presented to us. We must remove any bias or emotion we may contain and examine ourselves to ensure we are living according to the Lord’s principles.”

  “Are you suggesting I should forgive Daniel?”

  “No, but I don’t want you to rule it out, either. You need time to process all of this. Ask yourself if you can set aside any anger or resentment you may have toward Daniel before making any decisions.”

  “Such as turning him in to the police?”

  Pastor Cullen paused. “Believe it or not, Kat, Daniel proclaimed that he was going to turn himself in. He really is distraught over what he’s done.”

  “Is that where he is now? The police station?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t think so.” The pastor shook his head, studying Kat with deep concern. “I don’t want you to take what I am about to tell you in the wrong way. I made a suggestion to Daniel that I think will serve in the best interest of you and Tyler for the time being.” He cleared his throat. “I urged him to reconsider turning himself in for one main reason.”

  “And that would be what?”

  “That you share a son together.”

  Silence filled the room. So Daniel did know that Tyler is his son. Kat told the pastor that she left the building immediately after she realized Daniel was Tyler’s father.

  “It’s all I’ve thought about since last night, Pastor.” Kat sighed. “Perhaps that’s why I haven’t called the police. I keep thinking about that light in the picture and what it means. I don’t know why, but there’s just something about that picture that’s adding to my confusion.” Her eyes pleaded for support. “I just don’t know what to do. This is why I’m here. I—I was hoping you could give me some guidance.”

  Pastor Cullen nodded. He leaned forward and stretched his arm across the table. Kat joined her hand in his as she listened carefully.

  “Kat, do you want Daniel to be a part of your son’s life?”

  “I want Tyler to have a father in his life.”

  “But not Daniel?” The pastor looked at her.

  “I know, I can’t have it both ways.” Kat sighed. “I don’t think I can be objective about any of this right now.”

  “I understand, Kat. This is a lot for you to absorb. There is no rush on your part to make any major decisions right away.”

  Kat nodded, eyeing a folder on the table that contained information about the children’s ministry. Reaching for the folder, she opened it and scanned the objectives. She noted with interest that one of the coloring pages was illustrated with what appeared to be a group of children sitting around Jesus. A verse from Matthew 7:12 read: “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.”

  “Pastor, I never forgot what you told me before, about sharing my struggles with God.”

  “And is that working for you?”

  “I think so. I think that portrait in the sanctuary was His way of telling me things will work out. I just don’t know how and when.”

  “God will guide you if you let Him.” Pastor Cullen glanced at the folder Kat was studying and remarked, “The objectives in front of you are
ways of showing young children that they too can invite God into their lives and share their own struggles with Him. By doing so, children can learn from an early age how to extend compassion to others.”

  Pastor Cullen continued. “Kat, before forgiveness can occur, one generally has to perform some sort of self-healing first. You stated earlier that you feel pretty calm, despite all that’s happened. That’s a step in the right direction, but feeling calm should not be confused with feelings of inner peace. You must be at peace with yourself before you can begin the process of forgiveness toward others.”

  “What you’re saying makes sense. I’m just overwhelmed by everything that’s happened recently. I finally have closure but I’m at a loss now as to how to move forward.” She smiled at her pastor. “This is why I came to you; you’re the voice of reason.”

  Pastor Cullen smiled in return. “Have you considered speaking with Doctor Sullivan?” He recalled the business card he had given Kat and wondered if the doctor’s services could aid her in coming to terms with her discovery about Tyler’s biological father.

  “I met with her once and am grateful to you for the recommendation. She gave me some really good perspective and I felt very comfortable around her. Both of you have a way of making people feel at ease. I don’t know if you’re aware what a difference that makes, Pastor.”

  “She’s pretty terrific, isn’t she?” Pastor Cullen said warmly. It was obvious to Kat that her pastor thought highly of Dr. Sullivan.

  “How do you know her?” Kat inquired.

  Pastor Cullen described a horrific house fire that occurred a decade ago in which a family of five was displaced. Although the fire was declared an unfortunate accident, the parents had blamed themselves when they failed to realize their Christmas tree was not adequately watered. An open flame from a nearby candle was determined to be the source of the tree igniting. One of the children had been badly burned and spent several months in the burn unit at the hospital.

  The congregation had come together to collect blankets, clothing, food, and new toys for the children. Pastor Cullen had brought the toys to the hospital where he met Dr. Sullivan. She had explained that she was there to counsel the family when they learned that the young boy would need several scar revision surgeries. It was an emotional time and one that Pastor Cullen would never forget. He and Dr. Sullivan had worked tirelessly with the family over the months, and he was deeply touched by her compassion and understanding toward others. Since then, the two have kept in touch.

  “Wow, that’s incredible.” Kat marveled. “Do you know how the little boy is doing now?”

  “He’s now a teenager and goes to high school. Although he still has some visible scars, he is happy and healthy. The family is closer now than ever before.” Pastor Cullen smiled at the memory. “The father is in the military, so the family no longer lives in the area, but every year they send me a Christmas card.”

  As Kat listened to her pastor, she silently compared her situation with that of the little boy who was burned in the house fire. While she realized the two situations were entirely different, she recognized the opportunity in controversy facing her. To overcome these challenges, she had to find a way to transform her problems into achievements. She didn’t know yet how she would do this, but seeing Dr. Sullivan again sounded like the next logical step. If Dr. Sullivan could help that other family, surely she could help Kat explore new perspectives and enrich her understanding.

  Kat couldn’t erase the image of The Lamp from her mind as she sat in her chair. Suddenly, she wanted to go to the sanctuary and look at the portrait again. “Pastor, would you go with me?”

  A few minutes later, Kat and Pastor Cullen stood in front of the portrait, studying the candle. Its appearance did not change before her eyes, but she knew without a doubt that she did not imagine what she saw the night before. She turned to face her pastor and said, “I know exactly what I need to do.”

  Chapter 36

  Kat stretched out on a lounge chair on the beach and observed her surroundings with great interest. Children with their families were scattered in various places, many of whom were attempting to build sand castles. Surfers in the ocean tried to defy gravity as they battled the currents. Seagulls circled in the air, waiting for perfect opportunities to swoop down and steal food left unattended.

  She relished the sounds of joy as children splashed each other at the water’s edge. She smiled as she watched a toddler attempt to fill a small plastic bucket with sand. She laughed when Tyler made angels in the sand. His face and body was covered with it and some of it had entered his mouth. His face wore a disgusted expression as he tried unsuccessfully to brush the sand off.

  “I hate that tomorrow is our last day out here, Mary.” Kat turned to face her sister, who was using a towel to remove the sand from Tyler’s face.

  “It’s been wonderful, hasn’t it?” She smiled in return. “I’ve been so busy with work that I forget how enjoyable a vacation can be.”

  “And therapeutic,” Kat added. “I can’t begin to describe how good this trip has been for me. Thanks again for doing this for us.”

  “Well, then, we should do this more often.” Mary winked at Kat. “There’s nothing like fresh salt air to cleanse your soul.”

  Kat laughed at the oxymoron. Earlier in the week, she was reluctant to leave her home, but Mary had convinced her that taking a trip away from Lakesboro would do her a world of good. Mary was able to extend her stay for another weekend and treated Kat and Tyler to a trip to the Outer Banks. The barrier island was perfect for families who wanted a small beach atmosphere. They rented a three-bedroom ocean-front cottage that offered breathtaking views of the sunset. The sudden getaway had truly done wonders for Kat. She had never felt more alive in her life and the trip was exactly what she needed to clear her head.

  Six days earlier when Kat returned home from her discussion with Pastor Cullen, she told Mary about their conversation. Mary wasn’t surprised to hear that he had discouraged Daniel from turning himself in. In fact, she agreed it was a good idea for now, particularly since Kat didn’t seem to be in any danger and so that a rational decision could be made as to whether or not Kat would allow Daniel to be a father to Tyler.

  Kat had gone to see Dr. Sullivan the day before their trip. Her doctor had concurred with Mary’s suggestion that a trip would help Kat free her mind of troubles so that she could make decisions without the influence of familiar surroundings. At Kat’s request, she agreed to evaluate Daniel to determine a recommended course of action where Tyler was concerned. Her stipulations were that Daniel must understand the purpose of the session and agree to attend of his own free will. Only after her meeting with him was completed would she conduct a joint conference, provided that he agreed to it. Dr. Sullivan was well aware of the relationship between Pastor Cullen and Kat and the doctor trusted his instincts when it came to his judgment of others. When Kat relayed that Pastor Cullen discouraged Daniel from turning himself in, she knew the pastor saw something in Daniel that Kat had not seen. Regardless of her confidence in her colleague’s intuition, she would be fair and thorough before making her diagnosis.

  Dr. Sullivan was pleased to see that Kat managed to keep a composed stance about Daniel’s confession. In their previous session, Kat had admitted her feelings for Daniel were growing, but now, those feelings had turned into a mixture of sadness and anger. Dr. Sullivan explained that those feelings were normal reactions to someone who had betrayed her in the worst way imaginable. Kat shared that she agreed with Daniel, that the two would never have a romantic relationship. She wasn’t sure she could ever forgive him, but she was willing to entertain the idea that Daniel could be a positive father figure in Tyler’s life.

  In the early morning hours of each day of her vacation, Kat took long walks on the beach, reflecting on the events of the past. She was reminded of the times she and Michael used to chase each other on the sand, share endless laughter together, dine at their favorite restaurants, a
nd talk about their future until the wee hours of the night. She still missed him terribly, and she was sad to realize that she was forgetting little things about him. She had forgotten the smell of Michael’s favorite cologne until one night a waiter walked by her. She had forgotten what his handwriting looked like until she saw an artist’s signature on a painting. She even forgot what his laughter sounded like until one evening she swore he stood behind her. She was clinging onto fading memories that served no purpose other than to encourage her to linger in the past.

  She thought about her short time with William and how easily they had made a connection to each other. In her heart, she truly believed he would have been good to her and to her son. Had he not died, she wondered if they eventually would have had a serious relationship. Even if that had happened, would she have later learned that Daniel was the man who raped her? That he was Tyler’s father? Or would she have not ever known and continued to let Tyler grow up believing that Michael was his father?

  With tears streaming down her face, she had invited God into her struggles and made a heart wrenching decision to finally let Michael go forever. She had to stop living in the past. She had to stop running away from the future. She had to start focusing on the present and making decisions that were in the best interest of Tyler, even if it meant that Daniel would become a part of their lives. Most importantly, she had to start moving on with her own life, a life without Michael.

  The day before they were to leave the beach, Kat had read her hometown’s online news on her laptop and was shocked to learn that Darryl Baker had committed suicide in his jail cell. Her heart sank when she read about the details of his death. Due to the seriousness of the attempted assault charge on her, Darryl was being held without bail and was awaiting trial. According to the article, Darryl’s wife had visited him at the jail and told him she had moved forward with divorce proceedings. His recent behavior was the final straw that broke the camel’s back. Michelle had stated that their son Jared could no longer be subjected to his father’s self-destructive behavior any longer and that their life together as they knew it was finally over.